Guest Spot

A few months ago I had the absolute pleasure and privilege to read an advanced copy of The Boy Between, written jointly by family friends Joshiah Hartley and his mum Amanda Prowse.

Amanda is a well known and respected author, who isn’t afraid to write about difficult subjects, (abuse, loss of a baby, affairs, alcoholism, eating disorders to name but a few), I have no reason to doubt that writing this book with Josh was on a whole new level of difficult.

This collaboration is written by both Josh and Amanda, alternating between one another per chapter both documenting their consecutive thoughts, feelings and emotions during this period of time. The amount of courage it has taken by both of them, to put pen to paper and share their journey cannot and should not be underestimated. The opening chapter, written by Josh hits you full on. This young man who had recently headed off to university and should be living “his best life” is sat on the edge of his bed in a darkened room, holding a handful of pills bought from the World Wide Web, contemplating taking his own life. His world he described as “the colour turned down until only grayscale remained.”

Call it luck, fate whatever you choose... Josh didn’t take those pills and thankfully has found enough courage and strength to share his inner most thoughts and feelings, what it was (and still is) like in his world.

Amanda also bravely shares her raw emotions and lays them bare; her fears, guilt, sense of failure as a mum and protector, her overwhelming need to make things okay and Josh to be ‘better’. Her anger that there is very little help, support or advice available, that a postcode lottery can decide who gets help and who doesn’t. This has driven them both to tell their stories and open up this much needed conversation.

From my professional view point - I work with young people and adults who live with depression, self harm and daily thoughts of suicide. I support, listen, and ‘hold’ them in a safe space. A space where they can just be, they can choose to explore what is or has happened for them (if anything, as often there are no reasons) and what they want or need from me, from themselves or from the world. That being said, I am eternally grateful to Josh for giving me even more of an insight into life with depression and suicidal ideation and reassuring me that I am able to empower my clients to see there is ‘a bend in the road’. To provide them with hope and a reason to live today. I am not there to ‘rescue’ them, but to work with them ‘rescuing’ themselves.

From a personal point of view, I could identify with both authors. My heart broke for Mandy, Josh and their beautiful family - each family member impacted in their own unique way.
I am also a mum, I have 2 daughters the same ages as Josh and his brother. I recognised and related to the sense of trying to do the best we can, that fear of treading on eggshells and not wanting to rock the boat or engage in difficult conversations, just in case we say or do something which will upset them and make things worse! Yet trying to balance this with nurturing, guiding supporting and advising without being dictatorial; empowering them to be who they want to be.

Hindsight is very much 20/20 vision, if only...

This book, I believe can help to open up those difficult conversations. Whether written or spoken, those conversations are being given the permission to be explored.
You cannot make anyone take their own life. You can however give them a reason to live, without guilt or blame, just understanding and enabling them to hear they are loved, wanted and needed. That they do not have to face the daily struggles alone, and that those individuals who are supporting someone who lives and battles with depression and thoughts of suicide, please know you are not alone either. There is support available for you too.

As Josh says, “Take a breath. Take a moment... things can and often do get better. Don’t delete yourself.”
It’s hard, but reach out, talk, share your journey, laugh, cry, rant. Together, even after the darkest of nights you will see that the sun rises everyday, this can be the hardest struggle you’ve faced, but you CAN do it.

I am here to listen and support you or a loved one struggling. If I’m not the right person for you, that’s okay, there are other organisations which can offer support, they include:

Samaritans 116 123
Text SHOUT to 85258 you will be listened to, heard and supported
Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) for men 0800 58 58 58
Papyrus - under 35’s 0800 068 41 41 or text 07860 039967
Childline 0800 1111

5 star review on Amazon...
This collaboration is written by both Josh and Amanda, alternating between one another per chapter both documenting their consecutive thoughts, feelings and emotions during this period of time. The amount of courage it has taken by both of them, to put pen to paper and share their journey cannot and should not be underestimated. The opening chapter, written by Josh hits you full on. This young man who had recently headed off to university and should be living “his best life” is sat on the edge of his bed in a darkened room, holding a handful of pills bought from the World Wide Web, contemplating taking his own life. His world he described as “the colour turned down until only grayscale remained.”

I work as a counsellor; Josh invited me into his world, his head and his life, an experience I will take with me when I work with clients in similar circumstances. For that I am eternally grateful.

Amanda’s raw emotions of being a mum whose son is in such a painful place, one she knows nothing about, and has no idea where to turn or who to ask for help is sadly a reality so many people face.

Ultimately this book offers hope. Hope that sharing their experiences will help anyone else in similar situations, hope that opening up this conversation will encourage others to do the same and hop that if you hold on for just one more minute, hour, day, week things can and will get better.

If you feel able, please comment and share this far and wide. This is a subject which for too long has been hidden in the shadows.

?Link to Amazon if you wish to purchase or download a copy.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B082SWYS91/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1?

Parenting teens.

Being a parent is hard.

It can feel harder today being a parent than with previous generations. We now have 24 hours a day news cycles, we’re bombarded by images of perfection and surrounded by social media where every waking move is recorded for likes and approval. School is no longer the local one round the corner; we look at results, league tables and achievements. There is pressure for our children to achieve academically (slowly vocational qualifications and experiences are making a come back). There is pressure every which way we look - if we feel like this as an adult, how must our children feel?
Gone are the days when we could shut the door on the world and switch off in the safety of our own homes. We just want to protect our children, no matter how old they are - but is this right?

Being a parent is hard; being a parent of teenagers, that certainly isn’t easy.

When they were little we knew exactly where they were, knew what they were eating, helped them to explore the world safely, knew who their friends were and guided them through. As they started to grow we encouraged them to explore their emotions and home. We helped them to start to think for themselves and they in return pushed the boundaries we set. Through exploring they began to realise what was okay and not okay.
As they set off for school there was a hope that in their very early years we had done enough and given them solid foundations of love, security and trust that they were secure enough to go out into the world of education.

During the early primary years our children kept revisiting the early lessons and learned what worked and didn’t work for them as individuals and in which environment. They also learned new skills; what is socially acceptable behaviour, where they fit in the world of others outside of the family whilst learning about the world and themselves and the differences there are.

Our children then move into the second part of primary education. Here the building blocks for learning, growing and developing continue. They learn about how to identify with their own sex, develop responsibility for themselves and that of others, continue to learn about rules and structures and the relevance of these and develop skills to help them learn from their mistakes and also decide to be good enough, whilst revisiting the early developmental goals.

Our children are now moving into adolescence. This is accompanied with a move to secondary education, often leaving the safety and security of a smaller environment which might have focused on nurture as well as education. Add into the mix hormones and we are now living with a teenager.

Living with a teenager

During this stage our teenagers revisit the developmental tasks outlined above, but from the new position of working towards independence whilst safe in the knowledge that we have their back. Sexuality is explored and they learn who they are, which is ok and indeed healthy. They move towards becoming a separate, independent person with their own identity and values. Someone who is responsible for their own needs, feelings and behaviours, but is able to ask for support when needed.

So what can we as parents do?

Our role is to empower our children to grow and develop into young independent adults who are competent and confident to go out into the world and live their best life.

We don’t have to be perfect as parents, to be fair, we don’t have to be perfect human beings, we just need to be good enough. We will make mistakes, but we need to own these and admit that we got it wrong - after all our children learn so much from what they see and hear.

We need to let our developing young adults know we trust them to make the right choices, and even if they don’t, we will be there for them, to support and guide them, without judgement. None of us want or like to hear the words “I told you so”, so why would our teenagers? We need to remember our own teenage journeys (sometimes that is what terrifies us) but we also learned from our mistakes, we grew and developed into the people we are today.

The teenage journey feels so much more difficult today than that of previous generations. Mental health issues for young people is at an all time high. However this generation are more open to exploring and expressing themselves, this is a good thing. It can be difficult to address issues ‘which weren’t around in my day’. However, they probably were but no one talked about them. Depression, self harm, sexuality and gender weren’t openly talked about. They existed but were hidden due to stigma and shame. We should be celebrating that our children are confident enough to discuss these topics openly. They may not discuss them with us, their parents, due to fear, embarrassment, feeling that they’ve let us down or that we will judge them. They do want to talk with you, but without these caveats.

What else can I do?

Perhaps start a conversation, ask them how they feel about things, don’t put forward your opinions, just listen and hear what they are saying. We all know and relish what it’s like to feel heard and listened too, often we don’t want advice or be told we’re wrong or what we’re doing is just a phase; we want to be acknowledged for who and what we are. Our teenagers want this too.
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Note to self...
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Nobody said this was going to be easy. Take time to celebrate your successes and time to reflect on how you could have done things differently. This is a journey for each and every one of us, no one has all the answers, but hopefully this will empower you to feel you’re good enough.

?If you feel that you or your teenager could benefit from talking with someone, why not get in touch. Click on the button below.

Click here to get in touch

Parenting teens.

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